Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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