The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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