She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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