When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
