last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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