How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
