Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
