my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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