He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
