I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
