I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
