When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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