Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
