I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Your face is a jimmy john
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
