I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
