I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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