there was a trapeze. enough said
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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