Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
