i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
