its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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