so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
