He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
