My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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