drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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