she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
try to milk me bitch
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