I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
