don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
