When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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