I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
