I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
