Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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