oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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