billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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