worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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