I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So much rum. So many feels.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
