You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
