i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
