just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
