i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
