did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
