i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
