"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
