my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
they're like a gay fantastic four
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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