dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
