The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
