she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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