I think I am morally bankrupt
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
