so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
