I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
