We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
