i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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